Sex & Sensuality

Written by Julie Taylor

Sex & Sensuality...

"I would love to see more respect for an individual's rights and privacy - and please remember that not only those who are married and healthy have sensual and sexual needs!"

I was in a shopping mall once in North America, buying a souvlaki in the food court. The married couple behind the counter were Greek (I asked…) and in their late middle age. They were somewhat overweight and were not technically 'attractive'. A real ordinary couple! Yet they flirted with one another and exuded a kind of unique confidence. Their clothes were not evocative or at all revealing but they had each bothered with detail such as wearing a necklace, a little make-up, some mild aftershave and they held their shoulders back and stood tall (despite being shortish and roundish!). It turned out that this couple had been married for nearly forty years and had raised five children together.  Wow! 

Their relationship was still full of life... They weren’t taking each other for granted and assuming a lifelong commitment.  In their Greek culture dancing, community, socializing and constantly being aware of your partner and fanning the glowing embers of your most important relationship and enjoying the odd burst of flame was a normal part of life. When they came to North America they learned what was good about our culture and kept the best from their original culture too.

I learned a very basic lesson that day... that I had somehow missed in forty plus years of life. My father used to say "Familiarity breeds contempt" but I had failed to connect the dots in a real and positive way that affected daily life. I hadn't understood. I think the 'familiarity' he was talking about was the kind that 'assumes' and 'takes for granted'. To him I think 'familiarity' meant 'not bothering'... Maintaining respect and bothering to flirt - even with a spouse - kept this relationship very much alive. In the same way, trying always to treat everything with respect and a sense of wonder - sensuality even - makes life even better!

These words (from one of Eric Dozier’s songs) can you just make Eric Dozier say it beautifully: "Today, if we're blessed to see it. Today, just reach out and seize it. Don't let your sunshine slip away. We always have today". And, to me, an important part of my sunshine is sensuality.

It is unwise to assume anything let alone a 'tomorrow'. It's funny how assumptions of all kinds are sort of similar in that these assumptions tend to dampen our experiences of life. Keeping things new and fresh and trying to keep out both 'yesterday' and 'tomorrow' is so important.  Not easy to do though! I don't think we can assume we know anbody - ever...   Flirt with your spouse!

Somehow, even when today is painful and bleak, we can only be absolutely sure of having that present moment.  Today.  Our sensual and sexual selves are an important part of us - to enhance each moment - and part of our sunshine. They are a vital part of who we are and they will, if we let them, guide us toward a more joyful life and experience of it.

As with everything on this site I encourage you to rediscover what is important to you and to find ways to fill those needs whilst at the same time being respectful of other people. Sex definitely falls in this category. For some people it may simply seem not important - but sensual or sexual expression is a basic human need and a vital part of our 'whole'. It could be that the people who find it unimportant are already filling all of their sensual needs in their own ways - ways that they hadn't previously thought of as sensual or sexual.

The general public – of which I am proudly one! – tends to assume sometimes that just because a person is sick, depressed and/or disabled - mentally or physically - he or she no longer has any sexual appetite or needs? NOT TRUE! In hospital, once I was well enough for my friend to visit me - he was not yet my husband - I was still blind and unable to express myself verbally.  I was still on the critical list. However, as soon as I realized this man was standing by my bed, I reached over with the arm that still worked and pulled him close and onto the bed with me! I had an overwhelming need just to hold him. Physical love, touching and closeness are so incredibly important - I would love to see doctors value the link between touch - sensuality - and healing. I'm sure that having my friend close helped me to heal as much as any drug.

Sex and sensuality is a big part of who we are and of our core selves, our self image and our self esteem.. Sensuality embodies our passion for life itself and, for many of us, it is a sacred part of our souls. It is reflected in the confidence we exude personally and the respect that we hold for our brothers and sisters.

In the West I think we have allowed our communities and families to shrivel and we have glorified work and careers as somehow separate from our 'other lives'.  Perhaps we have given them too much importance. We are often tired at the end of our work weeks to do anything more than rest. We don't always have the energy to flirt and socialize and dance and yet, at the end of the day, it is our families and communities that are the most important part of who we are. Or, at least, a very important part...

There is a myth that sexual expression = sexual intercourse and that if you are temporarily or permanently unable to have intercourse then sexual expression is done for you! Not so!

Sensual and sexual expression is so much more than sexual intercourse - it is:

• intimate moments between good friends
• enjoying a glass of wine alone
• rubbing body lotion on our own bodies
• sharing laughter and touch
• sharing a knowing glance and, for a moment, seeing into a person's very soul
• snuggling in front of a crackling fire - with another person or alone and wrapped snugly in a blanket
• sunbathing in the nude and running your hands over your own body
• having a hand massage and manicure (for men as well as women)
• dancing with a beautiful stranger
• looking at paintings and photographs that we find sexually or sensually pleasing (and if for you that means gazing at photos of farm animals, that's OK! There are no rules except never to harm another soul in any way..). There is also:
• kissing or gently stroking the skin (our own or our partner’s)
• oral sex
• masturbation
• sexual intercourse itself.

If we have no partner and in this age of fatal sexually transmitted disease it is safer - emotionally and physically - to take care of our own sexual needs sometimes. Personally I would hate to find myself in a long-term relationship simply because I wanted to have someone else take care of those physical needs for me? I would far rather take care of my own needs and concentrate on discovering more and more about myself and thoroughly enjoying 'the rest' of life and experiment with all the other ways of sexually and sensually expressing myself.

Some fun sex facts:

• Masturbation does not cause blindness! Or deafness or any other kind of disability. It won't rob you of what little stamina you might have - in fact it could well increase your sense of well being and exercise and tone some of your inner muscles and organs.
• Masturbation is also a great non-medicinal way of falling asleep!

Obviously you need to make sure that you are in a private place - as you would for any other kind of sex.

If you are in a hospital or home, consider asking whether you could put a sign on your door requesting that nurses and others entering your room could please knock before they enter? Quite separate from any sexual reasons, it is unnerving to be in a 'public' place constantly and I think we forget sometimes about the need for privacy.

The question of pornography came up recently and I want to take this opportunity to say what I think. And that is that I think it is just fine - absolutely fine - to look at pornography on occasion. Just as it is fine to read Shakespeare (whose plays are quite sensual at times) or look at a book of landscape photographs from Alberta (breathtaking!). I'm disappointed that doctors, nurses and other health professionals forget so quickly that patients are people too. Again as with sex of all kinds x-rated magazines and computer screens should be kept private and safe from the eyes of children.  Becoming obsessed with anything is unhealthy and if pornography addiction is interfering with your life and your relationships, it might be a good idea to explore this…  Counselling is available for pornography addiction – many people are not addicted though, despite their fears.  They simply enjoy looking at pornography sometimes.

Dating and dating sites...

The point of this whole website is to encourage you to relearn who you really are and rediscover yourself and what gives you joy. It's also about becoming as healthy as you can physically and emotionally. Cognitively - or mentally - we then need to blend all the ingredients together in such a way that we will end up with a rich soup that is exactly to our own taste!

I don't want to put too much emphasis on finding a partner because I think the overwhelming temptation when we are feeling so weakened (and maybe lonely) could be to find someone 'to be strong' for us for the wrong reasons. I'm also concerned, that at this point in our lives, that we could be confused and out of touch with who we really are and what we really need and want? The person we rebuild may well be different from the person we were before the trauma.  For myself I want to be fairly confident that I’m at a comfortable, independent (emotionally at least) place before I look for a partner.

Having said that, I think there is nothing more healing and more wonderful than having a partner. I read somewhere that we all need someone to witness our life and our journey through it. If we go into our trauma with a partner, they too will be traumatized. (I wish I had remembered that sad fact better.) There is an opportunity to grow and rebuild together.  It’s also very easy for the survivor to become almost abusive out of fear: fear of what the future holds for them and fear that they can’t do what they need…  Please take good care of your caregiver!

I think that dating sites offer a great way to learn more about yourself and to meet other people. There are times in life too - after the end of a long marriage for example - when it's necessary to 'get back in the saddle' and I cannot think of a better solution than a dating site. I think the danger is to invest too much of our selves in finding a partner - looking outwards - rather than rediscovering ourselves - looking inwards - and sampling of all life's other pleasures. As part of a balanced single life, I think dating sites are valuable. Invaluable, even.

I want to explore more into dating sites that might be available to those disabled in some way - or to find a way of including physical and mental disability in the mainstream of sites. In many ways disability makes us more vulnerable - there must be a way to monitor or overcome that though? Ideas? Have you found such a site that would be interesting to other rebuilders? Equal access for us all to love and a partner!

So please, go ahead and rediscover all of you. Put it all into the melting pot and ladle up a serving of fabulous life! (Cheesy words but I love the image...)