Happy Healing Christmas

Written by Julie Taylor

Happy Healing Christmas with Old Fashioned Cards…

Christmas is a difficult time for trauma (not that there’s a good time?) – there’s nothing worse than seeing all the excited, happy couples, shopping together, when you’re newly single. That really hurts. Or happy families that don't seem to have a care in the world - when your world is falling apart.

So I wasn’t sure where to fit this article? In Joy? Hmmm… Not exactly joyful? Emotional?  Perhaps… Or Physical - for all dexterity required in wrapping dozens of gifts and writing hundreds of cards? I’ll settle on Joy…   Making it joyful...

But keeping up with all the extra shopping, writing those dozens of greeting cards and buying gifts for people – at around the time of years when colds and flu abound – can be anything but joyful or jolly. I find it an exhausting holiday and demanding at the best of times. Every year I promise myself to prepare in July… I never do.

One wonderful make-things-easier tip is to use OldFashionedCards.com for your card sending. This is a completely safe website (part of Send Out Cards) and you can try it out completely FREE from ReBuildingYou (free for one card, including postage anywhere in the world) without having to give credit card details!

You choose and write your card - on the computer.  There are even handwriting fonts - including your own writing - available. It's very easy to use and totally safe. I liked the voice that walks you through, step by step, as you send your first card.  When you've finished, a real glossy card with a real postage stamp is mailed through the snail mail - from you (their factory), to your loved one...  It can also be a great business tool when it's used to send reminders for a dental exam or thank you for a referral.

This is the way to make writing cards pleasant again! No more having to go out to the stores when there's ice on the sidewalk or handwriting hundreds of cards and generally finding the whole experience chore-like. And the best part is that these cards are cheaper than you could buy in the Dollarstore, the postage is exactly the same price as you would pay in the Post Office and there's no handling fee. The total price including postage is around a dollar a card.

I’ve always had this dream: to spend Christmas away from everyone I know – except maybe a young lover!? Lying on a hot sandy beach surrounded by palm trees blowing in a light breeze with a blue sky dotted with clouds above a sparkling ocean… Surrounded by the smell of ozone, fresh roasted peanuts and suntan lotion and the cry of seagulls interrupted now and again by the cries of a beach vendor selling ice cream or a pina colada and Bing Crosby singing White Christmas while I read a novel under the shade of my umbrella. That’s my idea of a wonderful Christmas!

I love spending time with my sons and their families too. And with my mother. But I could happily do that at Easter and Thanksgiving - both holidays that I really like and the manic nonsense just isn’t there… Bliss!

It can be a difficult time for survivors of brain injury, even years later – (which is why I really yearn for the beach)  It's taken me years to really understand why I prefer the other holidays when I used to love Christmas...   May I explain…

Christmas = Over Stimulation

Everything is ‘bigger’ and ‘noisier’ around this time of year and the way a brain injury can affect the way we process all the extra noise, flashing lights, crowds and other things in the category of "external stimulation – overwhelming.

One Christmas we were spending with my boyfriend’s parents, who were kindness itself, and I was trying so hard not so say strange things and to be 'normal'... However there were flashing lights on their tree and I couldn't stay in the room when the tree was lit. I became agitated to the point of anger, and I had to hide away in case I snapped.

Turns out, I could tolerate a lighted tree, as long as the lights were not flashing. I learned later, from both the professionals on my rehab. team and from my peers in the rehab. center, that many people with brain injury can become "over-stimulated" and "overloaded" by things like lights (especially flashing lights), background noise, motion, and even "busy-ness" (like knick knacks). It's called "visual and auditory overload" and it's a real problem this time of year. For years I would spend the whole of boxing day shut up in my bedroom resting.

Everywhere can be so ‘noisy’ that you can miss important information – it could even be dangerous… Several years later I was driving home from shopping with 3 noisy kids in the car, rain beating down, windscreen wipers swishing and every shop seemed to be ablaze with coloured lights, some flashing.

To cope at times like this, my strategy was to try and narrow my field of vision and just ‘not see’ as much as I could. Suddenly a furious police car swerved right in front of me and nearly caused an accident. The officer stood in the pouring rain fuming that he had been flashing me to stop for almost a mile. My blocking out of information had been successful… In one sense!

Of course I couldn’t say why I hadn’t seen him because someone might have taken my license away and that would have been terrible for me. And mostly I just drove very carefully and avoided driving at night.

Changes in routines

This is another "biggie" for many of us! If we have memorized our routines, it can be a real nuisance to have big changes in them during the holidays. Extra shopping, special get-togethers, dinners, parties, gift exchanges - all the things that we used to enjoy - can be too difficult to cope with following a brain injury. Not coping well with change may make us look inflexible (rigid), and to some degree we may be. It's a survival mechanism.

Now, there are strategies we can learn to make managing routines less stressful (especially managing changes in them), but this is only an option if you want to become more flexible. If you have made up your mind that you want to be left alone during the holidays, you won’t want to adapt.

Becoming a Recluse

Many persons with brain injury become reclusive. There are many reasons for this. Avoiding over-stimulation is one of them.

Difficulty with initiation, follow-through and general cocktail party small-talk is another. How anyone can stand, hold a glass in one hand, a plate in the other and somehow manage to eat and talk as well baffles me. Difficulty making new friends and maintaining old relationships is often another difficulty. It’s quite possible that on top of all this we’ve experienced loss of one's work or school life, loss of self-esteem, losses of other kinds too. The list is long and varied.

I mention this simply so that you can be aware… If you want to be reclusive: go for it… It’s your Christmas too.

If becoming more reclusive works for you (and it does for some), it may be the way you are best able to cope with the changes your brain injury has caused. On the other hand, if your preference is to be less reclusive, you may want to reach out to others who have brain injury and have successfully overcome some of the problems associated with living "in the world" again. This means dealing with changes, noise, light, family, social contacts, meaningful activities, etc – but it can be great in small doses. There are strategies one can learn to deal with these things again and being with peers is an enormous relief at times.

Support Groups

Support groups can be a great way to network with others who share your experiences. You will find people who support the approach you have selected, and if or when you are ready to do things differently, you will probably find others to help with that too. If you are unable to get out to go to a support group (or if there are no groups in your area), you can join an Internet support group (chat rooms and e-mail support group lists). There’s a Village Community Forum on this website.

Assertiveness

I know it's "easier said than done," (especially with family), but you may need to practice "pleasant assertiveness" with your family and friends. If they cannot get anyone to answer the phone, or no one responds to a knock on the door, they are likely to worry and intensify their efforts to get you out of the house. On the other hand, perhaps simply telling them that you do not wish to participate in the holidays will work (mention that you have learned that many persons with brain injury find that excessive noise, light and motion are not comfortable). And you are one of them…

If some of the things I've mentioned in here (especially with respect to noise, light or changes in routine) are accurate for you, it might be useful to let the people around you know that you experience things differently now, and are simply doing what you need to do to feel comfortable. Like I said, it may sound easier to do than it is, but it may be worth a try.

Seeking medical or counseling help - if you need it…

I understand that the holidays are a particularly troubling time for lots of people. If you find yourself more depressed than usual (or if you are drinking or using drugs or other self-medications), I would encourage you to talk to your doctor and seek counselling support. Being on one's own has its benefits, but if you need someone to talk to, things can get out of perspective and talking to your doctor or a counselor may be a good thing to do.

Of course, with the right non-blinking tree and not too many gifts to buy and just a few quiet guests and soothing melodic music and good food, your holidays could be wonderful… Or you can just enjoy and revel in being the Grinch! (In my mind I have this lovely Grinch who looks a bit llike the Sesame Street character Oscar, and I mentally hug him and he makes me smile!)

Happy Christmas!