Anger Management 101 - Funk tha World

Written by Julie Taylor

Anger Management 101 - "Funk tha World"...

Anger is a Healthy Emotion - Learn from the expert how to feel your anger and then read on to find out what to do with it.

Emotions... D'ya feel me? What a brilliant expression.  Don't just hear the words.  Get the emotion behind what I'm saying too... Really get me... Part of the 'anger' of our youth (and other marginalized groups) is that we don't really listen to or hear them - in the sense of hearing the emotions behind their words.  They have something to say.  Feel them...

Feel what a young black man from the ghetto is rapping.  Feel what a young person, suddenly robbed of the ability to walk - dance - is saying...

Two really good books are these: the first is a book of poetry called The Rose That Grew From Concrete by Tupac Shakur, written when he was just 19 and the other is called Back In The Day: My Life And Times With Tupac Shakur which is a remarkably eloquent account of his life at that point. These books are not about disabilitiy - although many of the issues are exactly the same - but they're about very similar things leading to a similar emotion: Anger.  Whatever lese you may think, Tupac Shakur is an expert on anger...  Give your loved one the gift that will let him know that you are willing to really listen to him without pre-judging (this book is a lovely suprise).

If you feel emotion, FEEL IT.  Stay with it. For as long as it takes in order to experience all your emotion and get right through the middle of it and be able to move on. That goes for any kind of emotion although here we are talking more about anger.

Every emotion is healthy and necessary and a precious human need. Even anger. And tears. Without them we are emotionless and machinelike and frozen and unfeeling.

Aside... What you must not do - of course - is hurt anyone else while you’re giving vent.  This Anger Management For Dummies book is a great - practical and humourous - read. If you're a very angry or strong person, have a friend 'spot' you. ie have them keep you (and others) safe.  Vent your anger in a safe place where you know you won't hurt anyone.  Perhaps get a punching bag?  Don’t imagine that it is safer to hold your anger inside.  The pressure will build and build and you will finally explode. Guaranteed.

“There probably are people worse off, BUT WHO CARES RIGHT NOW. Not right now...”

If you have had some sort of life changing trauma you have every right to be emotional or angry.  More than that, it's OK...  The trouble is that when something angers you and you can respond immediately, the whole thing is 'short and sharp'.  Adrenalin spikes and does its job. It can be over in minutes.  With trauma or a more serious event it's a more long term thing?  It goes on and on.  A continuous flood of adrenalin would be incredibly harmful - as is stress which is a similar thing.  It's the same serious anger-making situation for you day after day.  Month in and month out.  And, just so you can survive, you - and your brain - distances you from the pain. But...

In order to work through emotion, you need to be able to feel it. And in order to truly 'move on', you do need to work through your emotions. And it may well be that you need to have a 'good shout' - much like we ideally need a 'good laugh' - as much as every day.

The other problem is that some people - especially after trauma - are completely disconnected from their emotions, both good and bad.  It's hard to laugh or shout.  Maybe even hard to cry.  Often this supression - often unconscious - of anger leads to depression.

Here is a story...

I understood about emotions and working through anger in theory – after all I was at college learning to be a counsellor... And yet somehow that made no difference.  I couldn't feel what wasn't there?  And surely that was OK too?  Everyone gave me all this advice - to cry especially.  But they didn't say how I could get there? Mostly I ignored them - after all it was easy enough for them to say.  I had to live and survive it.

I woke up one morning and for no reason I felt really ‘off’.  I managed to get my son up for school and fed the dog without snapping too much.  It was a beautiful sunny day... but the sun just got in my eyes and annoyed me. Something was 'not right'. Something inside me told me to resist the temptation to 'pull myself together', which I would normally do. For the first time in forever, I just 'let go' and allowed my instincts and my inner self to go where they wanted (within reason - as much as my 'control' would allow).

I was aware that this feeling of 'off' was growing and urge to control it and squash it was huge! It had started as a little sensation way down in the pit of my stomach and it was slowly getting bigger and higher. I was curious.  I didn’t have a problem with acting out or with anger and aggression so I figured it would be safe to 'play' in this way.  I was very curious.

After I dropped my son at school I started on the hour long commute to my own school in the city.  I felt oddly nervous and there were butterflies in my stomach too, along with this growing 'off' feeling.  It was like being super-aware of everything.

The traffic had stopped before one of the tunnels I had to go through and I turned on the radio for company.  Arghh! Urgently I punched the button to silence Celine Dion, pouring out her heart dramatically.  I shocked myself!  I never behaved this way and hit the buttons so hard.  I started to 'talk myself down' and then realised what I was doing and so stopped.I wanted to see where my feelings would lead me, not control them 'away'.

Let the anger grow... I was in no mood for someone else’s drama.  The next channel had two hyperactive disk jockeys ‘helping’ everyone get to work with infuriating, banal, artificially cheerful chatter.  I jabbed at the button again, imagining that it was someone’s head.

Wow…  I was surprising myself: normally I get quiet when I’m mad... Sometimes I hum... But I never got angry like this.  I was determined to run with it and see where it might lead - by now I was fascinated!

The man in the car next to me was smiling and flirting with me…  He was old and ugly – did he really think I might be impressed by his attentions?  I glared at him.  Another car flew into the space I had left for a moment too long in front of me and I punched the steering wheel.  This was cool.  I never felt like this! Now a sanctimonious voice was coming out over the speakers followed by classical music.  NOOOooo!  But the ensuing silence felt even worse…  As a last resort I hit the ‘CD’ button…

Well…

The last person to play a CD in the car had been my teenage son, who really really loves loud rap music…   The car was suddenly filled with hard rap music and an angry voice shouting “funk tha world…  people say that I don’t care…  I been through hell and back…”

Hey?…

Oddly I didn't find his words or anger in the slightest bit irritating. Here was someone speaking my new language and who could really understand how I felt.  Here was someone who was rapping PROUDLY about his anger…  YES!

I felt a smile come over my face and the by-then-large-angry-lump of sensation in my chest started to shrink slowly.  Wow…  I turned the music up even louder and thumped the steering wheel in time with the beat, singing at the top of my voice!  Everyone had their car windows open as it was a warm, sunny day and I must have looked like a mad woman!  I answered their disdainful looks with a broad smile... Like Tupac, I didn’t care either!  When the song ended, I played it again.  And again. I deliberately fanned the anger and the emotion...

By the time I pulled up outside the college an hour later, I felt calm - very calm - and strong and confident.  The little sensation way down in my stomach had completely gone.  I felt great.

What I would like you take from this story:

Find a safe time to let your anger out SAFELY.  If you are a stranger to anger – perhaps depression is a problem for you - slowly play out the rope that binds your emotion and that keeps it so tightly wound.  Be open…   Explore, slowly, whatever is there, just below your normal range of emotions.  Allow yourself to feel.  So many of us, particularly little girls, are taught as kids to behave ‘nicely’ at all costs.  To heck with ‘nice’ sometimes - explore the real you!

Whilst I was still in hospital there was huge concern over whether I had cried. For doctors and nurses it seemed like the topic of the day. They would mutter in hushed voices "Has she cried yet?" I thought they were nuts! I was full of phenobarbitone and a cocktail of other drugs, besides which my emotions were frozen solid. They must have been crazy! In the weeks after I was discharged from hospital I was advised to hit a pillow and let my anger out.  But what anger?  I felt numb.  Whenever I tried to hit a pillow, it just felt silly.  It did nothing and didn’t work for me.

Working through emotions after any kind of trauma or event is important. Very. But you need safety. That is why your emotions may be frozen: this is your brain's way of protecting you from further pain...

I needed to connect the dots and identify feelings of anger, fan them and keep them flowing while I felt them.  Tupac taught me how to BE angry… He taught me to ‘go with’ my feelings.  He showed me how to stoke the fire and enjoy the blaze.  Tupac was a master at expressing 'angry'. (And small wonder if you read his poetry and understand where he was coming from.)

Tearfullness: If your emotion shows as sadness and tears, don’t allow anyone to try and jolly you out of it.  Go right ahead and feel as blue as you want for as long as you want. These are you own precious feelings and they want to be heard. Silence them at your own peril!

If anger is a 'problem' for you - ie if you are an angry person - or if you are really nervous about playing with this fire - and it really can be like fire and dangerous...  Ask someone if they would 'spot you' (ie let you be really angry and spout off at them - perhaps without their saying anything. It’s safer to have someone there (someone 'strong enough' to control and stop you).  Let them know that you aren’t angry with them and that you don’t need them to DO or SAY anything - other than stop you from hurting yourself physically or hurting others. Ask them just to 'be there'. Let them explain to any passers by that you are fine.  Let them look after you.)

The quickest way to shut someone down and stop them from being able to go through their emotion – is by rationalizing and trying to ‘make them feel better’.

Bringing someone back into a 'thinking' place rather than a feeling place - like this - can be very useful if you need to bring someone back to the present and 'stop feeling' (or acting out). This is a technique used by psychologists and counsellors as the end of your session approaches!  If you are being a friend, just be there. No need to say or do anything.  Just witness...  Be there with them.

An Analogy to Think Through:

A pressure cooker is a pot with a special valve on the top so that when the pressure builds up, pressure – steam – is leaked out so the pot doesn't explode.  (Do you know someone who is really nice but every now and then has a little burst of anger?  Or short-lived depression…)

Once the pressure has built up steam keeps constantly spurting from this valve.  (This is like someone who is always angry or depressed…)

Control the pressure leaving the pot by holding the pot under cold water and letting the steam out. (Punching at a punching bag or singing “funk the world at the top of your voice…  Whatever works for you)

Once the pot has cooled, it takes a lot of heat to get the pot back up to pressure so that steam leaks out again.

I think it’s this way with people.

If you are a person who has trouble with anger and who has to be careful because she ‘acts inappropriately and hurts others’, don’t despair.  Many brain injured folk, among many, many others, have problems with anger and unpredictable emotions. Don't be afraid! You too can learn to control your actions – your strategies – while feeling your anger. Having an ABI absolutely makes is very challenging to control your anger but it is no excuse indulge this behaviour. You can learn - and I can't think of any reason why life might be better if you don't?

Trying to stop the anger is not only pointless, it's futile and doesn't work: it’s just about impossible to deny feelings forever.  What you can change are your strategies for dealing with that anger – your actions.

Read my story again and you will notice that I was always in control: Exploring and getting to know myself.

Get to know yourself well – in slow motion, as it were, whether you are too calm, too angry - or just right!  If you are 'angry' or unpredictable in your emotion, have someone who you are close to help you and read this article. Have faith and take courage. Accept their help.  Let them watch over you as you start exploring. Let them 'spot you'…

Notice exactly what feeling – in my case that little uneasy sensation in the pit of my stomach – comes BEFORE the escalation and expression of anger.

Know what makes it worse for you – in my case, irritating music and banal chatter.  Learn to predict your own emotion. Play with it. Serenade your anger.

If you know what fans your flames, you can avoid problems. Go outside for a brisk walk alone or go into the garage where you keep your punching bag – and take your favourite angry music.

This Everlast 4004 Traditional Heavy Bag (40 lb.) is available with a click of your mouse - complete with the special bracket (extra) to hang it on and boxing gloves - the prices here on Amazon are as good as you'll find in town and very convenient. And I can't believe the cheap postage rates.

Buy a punching bag and gloves or choose a way that works for you to safely express your anger and spend an hour or so fanning your anger and physically singing or punching and giving yourself a safe outlet for your emotion.

Know that you can have complete control of all your emotions.  With practice.  Put yourself in a safe place – in front of a punching bag (with gloves on) or in a field.  Know what will serenade your anger – ‘angry’ music perhaps? – and use it to keep the pressure up (equally important for the angry and the meek) and flowing while you punch the bag or run around the field until you drop with exhaustion.

Don’t try to deny or rationalize your anger, over and over, until it finally bursts out and causes harm.  If you do, you will make things much harder for yourself and for all those around you.  You will berate yourself for failing to stop your anger...  You’ll blame it on your injury, perhaps…  Feel helpless and even more angry inside…  A vicious circle.

Notice when your anger is just a tiny sensation.  Know that it’s OK – even the quietest and most ‘in-control’ people have these feelings.  What counts is how we deal with them…

Know – learn - how to control your anger, for you.  Know how to let it out safely.  Notice it, know it…  Understand it.

After you have gone a couple of rounds with your punching bag you will feel surprisingly calm and peaceful.  It may take quite a few attempts to ‘get it right’ but it will be worth the effort.

On the other hand, if you bottle your anger or don't even seem to really feel it, deliberately fan the flames.

Someone who has trouble with anger will almost certainly have to go through giving vent and getting comfortable and in control of their anger many times.  You will get there eventually.  A punchbag is essential...  Good gloves can prevent you from hurting your own hands - although you may even need to bloody your own hands to really satisfy your anger (at least once).  This sounds crazy.  But it really seems to work. 

Have a 'good anger'.  It can be as wonderful as a 'good laugh'.

Try it!