Independence - Strategies To Cope With Life
Written by Julie Taylor
Independence...
Remember the terrible twos and the first struggle for independence - maybe as a parent rather than as the child - when independence in everything from tying shoelaces to choosing what clothes to wear was so important? Or the second struggle as a teenager - without the hormones perhaps - to decide on their own curfews and mealtimes? Well after the initial relief of having others take care of all your adult responsibilities, you will want/have to go to that place of fighting for independence all over again. Now you can really empathize with your two-year-old as you stomp your foot in frustration and insist to the Meals on Wheels operator that you know perfectly well that eating only dessert is not good nutrition but that's what you choose anyway!
I found it really hard today to decide where this article fit - was this independence financial or physical or emotional? A struggle is emotional - but so much of what will alleviate it here is physical and financial. I will talk about it tomorrow with my communication (aka speech) therapist (who is teaching me to categorize again)!
In the end it was like so many other ReBuilding-You articles in that there are many aspects involved. It's really so important to balance all of the five areas of ReBuilding. The life that you had painstakingly built over a lifetime was broken during your trauma and your confidence and self esteem almost certainly took a hit too. Concentrate on rebuilding physical independence and just watch as your emotional sense of independence improves along with it. Be careful to give yourself plenty of encouragement and above all, be gentle with yourself.
There will be worries and obstacles - you may have to convince the Department of Motor Vehicles that you should be allowed to drive again. That's a nerve-wracking issue for many people - hopefully you kept under the radar and just didn't use your license and can start to drive again as you feel ready. Emotionally, steps like this can cause us to doubt our competence and lead to frustration and stress.
Suddenly you're aware of that thing called 'credit rating' again and want to make sure your bills are paid on time. You need to get to your appointments on time - and even remember your appointments in the first place. Just thinking about those things is overwhelming and you've barely started... You want to take care of your own finances and banking too. Maybe you would like to plan, shop for, prepare, cook and clean up for your family again? You can do it
While you have been absent - whether in hospital or psychologically - everyone has learned to get by without your help. Whilst it's a relief to know that life did carry on, it can also be upsetting when you have re-insert and re-assert yourself back into your family. You still need a certain amount of help but, increasingly, you find yourself resenting intrusions into your space and you may experience resistance to your authority. This is all normal and it may frustrate you for a while, it will pass.
Luckily there are lots of time and energy saving devices and systems today and it's easier than ever to cope after trauma. Feeling independent and competent go hand in hand with being able to do your chores without help. Invest in a freezer if you don't already have one and a light and super efficient vacuum cleaner - Oreck make an excellent vacuum. Now I know why my toddler used to run around the room laughing when he had finally managed to remove his own gloves, hat, scarf, down filled all-in-one coat and shoes - it was a real achievement and he was celebrating!
Make good use of services online, such as online banking. It will still be an effort perhaps to go to the bank once or twice a month to pay in schedules but generally you can do all your banking from home. Use take out meals and oven ready frozen food - perhaps buy a freezer. Label foods in the fridge with the dates you opened them. Prepare twice as much food as you need and freeze some for when you have a bad day. As you become more efficient and cope better with the after effects of your trauma you will probably find that your self esteem goes up along with that physical improvement.
Make yourself lists - on paper or on the computer - and follow them. Often at the end of an unstructured day I 'happen' upon the half sorted laundry that was my first chore of the day until it was interrupted by the doorbell which led to me turning off my CD player which led to me sorting out all my CDs.. and so on it went all day. Days like that feed a negative sense of self. Following lists usually result in feeling successful.
Devise a system for keeping and paying bills - either a simple folder for all received and unpaid bills and another for paid ones or a system of entering each bill as it arrives into your task list on the computer and then recording when you pay it. The second suggestion is actually very simple to do and you can set up for these actions to recur on a set day each month (or week or year etc) and always be able to see all of your past actions at the click of the mouse. You can also set alarms to remind you to pay these bills. The place you choose as your home office needs to have a phone, message pad, pen, files and a simple to use system for filing - as well as anything else you find you need to be efficient there. Work on becoming efficient and feelings of competence and healthier self esteem will follow.
You can shop online, even for groceries, in many parts of the world. Luckily I discovered this before my recent bout with trauma and it was easy to maintain my finances, banking and purchasing from home. As you learn to program your PALM or rely on your computer to remind you of daily chores and appointments, life feels more in your control again.
Depending on the nature of your trauma you may have some residual neurological challenges which certainly make life more difficult. Wear clogs, velcro shoes or use those curly spring-like laces to tie your shoes. Use fatter pens with a special grip. Cut with a chopping tool - hand or electric - to avoid cutting your fingers. Use timers and alarms for everything - so you don't leave a pan boiling on the stove.
It's really helpful to be part of a group of people all rehabbing after various traumas and check out their tales and lists of tips. You may find some strategies that you would never have thought of but which make life easier for you and lead to greater independence.
Being competent at what you do is important emotionally. Be conscious of rebuilding your sense of self along with your credit rating and the physical you. Especially with invisible disabilities it is really common and all too easy to stop believing in yourself. New strategies are the answer - even the strategy of never doing something which you know will lead to difficulty.
A loss of mental flexibility is also common as it takes a bit longer to search for and perfect a new way of doing something. It's no longer automatic. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself a bit longer to do things. Get to know yourself as well as you can and try always to be open to new ideas.
Over time try and become aware of all of your challenges and difficulties and find strategies to compensate for them. For example, if writing is slow and the result looks like your six-year-old has written his own absence note, connect your computer to a printer, adjust the date etc on a pre-written letter filed under 'school' and print it out.
Find ways to overcome as many residual problems as you can - your Occupational Therapist or Social Worker are probably brilliant at suggesting alternative strategies for everyday challenges. It's also really helpful to have their insight into the difficulties you are facing and they can help you to put into words what it is that you've been struggling with.
Celebrate your achievements too - perhaps by dancing around the room like a two-year-old (it's great fun and very liberating) or perhaps by just awarding yourself a bar of chocolate or promising yourself a hot bath at the end of the day. Try thinking of yourself as a parent to the person struggling to rebuild: give yourself plenty of pats of the back and hugs.